Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their… — Jack Handey Ants Copy Share Image
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning… — Jack Handey Baby Copy Share Image
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as… — Jack Handey Country Copy Share Image
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the… — Jack Handey Blue Copy Share Image
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just… — Jack Handey Bird Copy Share Image
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be… — Jack Handey Costumes Copy Share Image
What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they… — Jack Handey Beautiful Copy Share Image
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit,… — Jack Handey Angry Copy Share Image
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals:… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not an 'afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta.… — Jack Handey Books Copy Share Image
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a… — Jack Handey Boys Copy Share Image
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco… — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger. — Jack Handey Deep thought Copy Share Image
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody… — Jack Handey Cowboy Copy Share Image
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes!… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet… — Jack Handey Bowling Copy Share Image
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
Once I saw my parents argue because we didn't have a lot of money anymore. So, I did what I had to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and then somehow figure out how… — Jack Handey Artist Copy Share Image
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good… — Jack Handey Animal Copy Share Image
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
