Thinking Quotes by Jack Handey

I think man invented the car by instinct.

— Jack Handey

Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.

— Jack Handey

I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.

— Jack Handey

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just…

— Jack Handey

I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy."

— Jack Handey

I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it…

— Jack Handey

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be…

— Jack Handey

Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think…

— Jack Handey

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

— Jack Handey

Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

— Jack Handey

I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as…

— Jack Handey

I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go…

— Jack Handey

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may…

— Jack Handey

I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the…

— Jack Handey

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the…

— Jack Handey

If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things…

— Jack Handey

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the…

— Jack Handey

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the…

— Jack Handey

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So,…

— Jack Handey

If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the…

— Jack Handey

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname…

— Jack Handey

I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the…

— Jack Handey

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look…

— Jack Handey

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think…

— Jack Handey

Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling…

— Jack Handey

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate…

— Jack Handey

MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car -…

— Jack Handey

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of…

— Jack Handey

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is…

— Jack Handey

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark…

— Jack Handey

Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I…

— Jack Handey

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

— Jack Handey

Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of…

— Jack Handey

I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least…

— Jack Handey

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend."

— Jack Handey

I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to spend the time required to really…

— Jack Handey

I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

— Jack Handey

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the…

— Jack Handey

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

— Jack Handey

I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.

— Jack Handey