If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there's a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I had dreams once. Once I wanted to build the world's longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, "You know what will save the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals:… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. — Jack Handey Copy Share
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married… — Jack Handey Copy Share
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive… — Jack Handey Copy Share
