If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh, and let your hostages laugh too,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flipper, wouldn't… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. — Jack Handey Copy Share
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married… — Jack Handey Copy Share
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive… — Jack Handey Copy Share
