Fran Lebowitz

if you live in New York and you have a guest room, you have guests. So I think it's best not to…

— Fran Lebowitz

There are two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance. Visitors who wish to remain inconspicuousare advised to choose the…

— Fran Lebowitz

This idea that people have to love and understand each other is absurd. It's not human nature.

— Fran Lebowitz

There is one thing that has disappeared, not just from the U.S. but from the entire world, is the idea of ever…

— Fran Lebowitz

In New York we have zillions of different kinds of people, many of them hate each other, but violence based on that…

— Fran Lebowitz

When someone asks, 'Why do you think he's not calling me?' there's always one answer - 'He's not interested.' There's not ever…

— Fran Lebowitz

When I started publishing, I got offers to write for big magazines. But I would always say, "Well, it's not that I…

— Fran Lebowitz

The second I learned to read in first grade, when I was 5, I preferred it to life. And I still do.

— Fran Lebowitz

A woman's quest in life should be to find the perfect apartment. And I have found the perfect apartment. The perfect apartment…

— Fran Lebowitz

Take away a man's actual sense of manhood - which is conventionally based on the ability to work, to earn money, to…

— Fran Lebowitz

Your grandparents did not endure the indignities of a steerage journey to Ellis Island so that you could stand outside a discothèque…

— Fran Lebowitz

Democracy is an interesting, even laudable, notion and there is no question but that when compared to Communism, which is too dull,…

— Fran Lebowitz

I drove a cab. But all the girls I knew when I was young who had to work - there were rich…

— Fran Lebowitz

They know you can't get people to stop smoking, so they develop a system of informants. That's the whole idea of second-hand…

— Fran Lebowitz

“To me, nothing can be more important than giving children books, It's better to be giving books to children than drug treatment…

— Fran Lebowitz

In New York, people are very overbooked.You say, When do you want to have dinner? It's May. They say, What about October?…

— Fran Lebowitz

It's very important who the president of the United States is. America is a great idea, so that's why it's a great…

— Fran Lebowitz

Marriage entitles women to the protection of a strong man who will steady the stepladder while they paint the kitchen ceiling.

— Fran Lebowitz

Breakfast cereals that come in the same colors as polyester leisure suits make oversleeping a virtue.

— Fran Lebowitz

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.

— Fran Lebowitz

There were a zillion bad jobs. That doesn't exist any more. I mean, I could wake up one afternoon with zero money…

— Fran Lebowitz

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure.

— Fran Lebowitz

People who are well-known, famous people, I think, make very poor characters for fiction. They make good characters for gossip columns. But…

— Fran Lebowitz

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

— Fran Lebowitz

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.

— Fran Lebowitz

Middle class was defined by having certain values and only a certain amount of money. But this new middle class seems to…

— Fran Lebowitz

Scientists are rarely to be counted among the fun people. Awkward at parties, shy with strangers, deficient in irony - they have…

— Fran Lebowitz

If people had gavels, there would be no wars. If every person in the world had a gavel and could bang it…

— Fran Lebowitz

When it comes to sports I am not particularly interested. Generally speaking, I look upon them as dangerous and tiring activities performed…

— Fran Lebowitz

“I open the refrigerator. I decide against the half a lemon and jar of Gulden’s mustard and on the spur of the…

— Fran Lebowitz

My favorite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two-thirty in the…

— Fran Lebowitz

The French probably invented the very notion of discretion. It's not that they feel that what you don't know won't hurt you;…

— Fran Lebowitz

Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next…

— Fran Lebowitz

New York was always more expensive than any other place in the United States, but you could live in New York -…

— Fran Lebowitz

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort.…

— Fran Lebowitz

If, while watching the sun set on a used-car lot in Los Angeles, you are struck by the parallels between this image…

— Fran Lebowitz

I used to love to write. As a child I used to write all the time. I loved to write up until…

— Fran Lebowitz

While clothes with pictures and/or writing on them are not entirely an invention of the modern age, they are an unpleasant indication…

— Fran Lebowitz

The other day I read that last year 58 million tourists came to New York ... where a puny eight million people…

— Fran Lebowitz

Communism requires of its adherents that they arise early and participate in a strenuous round of calisthenics. To someone who wishes that…

— Fran Lebowitz