I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. — Elayne Boosler Comedy Copy Share Image
Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. — Elayne Boosler Affectionate Copy Share Image
Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or… — Elayne Boosler Change Copy Share Image
Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's… — Elayne Boosler Audience Copy Share Image
My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor. — Elayne Boosler Brother Copy Share Image
Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have… — Elayne Boosler America Copy Share Image
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again? — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of… — Elayne Boosler Amendment Copy Share Image
I didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself… — Elayne Boosler Curiosity Copy Share Image
Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long… — Elayne Boosler Education Copy Share Image
The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start… — Elayne Boosler Heartache Copy Share Image
While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their… — Elayne Boosler Comic Copy Share Image
I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as… — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant… — Elayne Boosler Around the world Copy Share Image
Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton. — Elayne Boosler Business Copy Share Image
I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. — Elayne Boosler Men Copy Share Image
You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. — Elayne Boosler Deer Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper. — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. — Elayne Boosler Depressed Copy Share Image
You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating. — Elayne Boosler Creating Copy Share Image
We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people. — Elayne Boosler Fun Copy Share Image
My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down… — Elayne Boosler Food Copy Share Image
As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. — Elayne Boosler Adult life Copy Share Image
I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many… — Elayne Boosler Audience Copy Share Image
I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. — Elayne Boosler Choices Copy Share Image
My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant. — Elayne Boosler Family Copy Share Image
I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would… — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something. — Elayne Boosler Comedy Copy Share Image
