“Have a baby shower, then an abortion. Now you just have to lose a little weight to squeeze into all your skimpy… — Bauvard Abortion Copy Share Image
“There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.” — Bauvard Cliche Copy Share Image
“Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.” — Bauvard Education Copy Share Image
“Frogs. We all want their long tongues and jumping power, but aspiring superheroes rarely consider the benefits of growing up as sperm.” — Bauvard Comic Copy Share Image
“Teacher: a master who, through personal example, inspires students to rebel against learning.” — Bauvard Education Copy Share Image
“I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the… — Bauvard Endowed Copy Share Image
“Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.” — Bauvard Copy Share Image
“Sympathy is why when a man is getting mugged, you let him keep his shirt after you take his life. Funerals are… — Bauvard Funny Copy Share Image
“Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.” — Bauvard Arrogance Copy Share Image
“Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.” — Bauvard Culture Copy Share Image
“Sending love letters to first-graders will teach them lessons in cursive. But writing back will test their commitment.” — Bauvard Cursive Copy Share Image
“We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to… — Bauvard American spirit Copy Share Image
“Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list… — Bauvard Trees Copy Share Image
“Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.” — Bauvard Department store Copy Share Image
“Be true to your divided selves. They're the only ones who will support you in moments of vacillation.” — Bauvard Copy Share Image
“It’s best to only exercise when the air conditioning is working properly outside. A strong wind ensures one doesn’t sweat very much.” — Bauvard Copy Share Image
“The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see… — Bauvard Desensitized Copy Share Image
“A hobby is labor disguising itself as leisure. It is extremely destructive to the boundaries of private life.” — Bauvard Hobby Copy Share Image
