I had always had the oddest feeling, consider it…

There is nothing about myself that I wouldn't reveal or write about. I don't care how horrendous or ridiculous I may appear in person…

— Augusten Burroughs

“We were alone together, we were an us.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Like every child, I adored her. Until I formed a brain and got to know her.

— Augusten Burroughs

“You must hang onto the scraps of the bucking moment as if your sanity and life depended on it - because actually they do.”

— Augusten Burroughs

Real optimism is not the pep talk you give yourself. It is earned through the labor involved in emotional housekeeping.

— Augusten Burroughs

If you hate your life, you haven't' seen enough of it. If you hate your life, it's because your life is too small and…

— Augusten Burroughs

I think writers tend to be experience junkies, and I think they also tend to want to be on the outside looking in.

— Augusten Burroughs

I think part of the reason I'm attracted to Foster is because he's such a mess. I mean, the people I have loved in…

— Augusten Burroughs

“On typical days, (dust) is simply irritating. On Roid Rage days, it made me want to stomp down to the highway, pull drivers out…

— Augusten Burroughs

I'm like the guy who prepares your taxes or a dentist. I'm very conservative and boring in a lot of ways.

— Augusten Burroughs

“Nothing surprises me now," I tell him. I am stoic. I am Joan of Arc, with liver damage and an unused penis.”

— Augusten Burroughs

“It's not that I was an outright nitwit of a child.”

— Augusten Burroughs

What I really want is to sit next to someone under an L.L. bean blanket on the beach in the fall and drink coffee…

— Augusten Burroughs

“My worth depended on where exactly the decimal was placed among the zeroes.”

— Augusten Burroughs

“Bookman isn't a stable man. He has a lot of problems that run very, very deep." But he was really good at giving head.”

— Augusten Burroughs