MARRIAGE, SUCCESSFUL, is when a husband can determine when his wife comes to the end of one argument and begins the next; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, A process much like a cafeteria -- you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best -- and pay… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Whether I'm writing a novel about a guy mourning the death of his father or whether I'm writing a show about people… — Jonathan Tropper Copy Share Image
BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Less judgment than wit is more sail than ballast. Yet it must be confessed that wit given an edge to sense, and… — William Penn Copy Share Image
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“For, let's face it, digression is the soul of wit. Take philosophic asides away from Dante, Milton or Hamlet's father's ghost and… — Ray Bradbury Copy Share Image
“Monique bit at the side of lip. “He’s pretty active, I don’t want to impose…” Tony stood and scooped up the puppy.… — Kirsten Fullmer Copy Share Image
Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole. — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
I'm still in my first marriage. I know, it's wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Wit is a pleasure-giving thing, largely because it eludes reason; but in the apprehension of an absurdity through the working of the… — Agnes Repplier Copy Share Image
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
LUXURIES, Items which, by grand design, always cost more -- for example: a divorce decree costs more than a marriage license — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
When do these twitter girls will realize that boys are usually following them or retweeting them for sexting & not for their tweets? — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“And then the second thing you have to do is go and see your son. That is a duty of love, Andrew.… — Alexander McCall Smith Copy Share Image
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn' t feel good, and I… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don't know if that… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
My philosophy towards life is to enjoy it to the fullest and have fun. I am one of those 'laugh-out-loud' kinds. I… — Bipasha Basu Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, A very good way to promote civilisation -- if you get a good wife you will be happy, if you get… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Statistically, 10% of women will find this joke offensive. The other 90% are in the kitchen, where they fucking should be! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um...… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I was walking around with my GF when she started playing a Bieber song on cell & now there's vomit all over… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
You have to remember that actors are human beings. Which is hard sometimes because they look so much better than human beings. — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
If you're being talked about, remember: Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. — Sarah Moores Copy Share Image
Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. 'Ugh, Look at that b*tch, eating those crackers like she owns the place!' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
How often, when we have been nearest each other bodily, have we really been farthest off! Our tongues were the witty foils… — Henry David Thoreau Copy Share Image
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Well we can't be having that. One person starts having fun and it turns into an epidemic. Difficult to stop that kind… — Lauren Cagliola Green Copy Share Image
LOVE, The only thing that has changed over the millions of years of playing this game is that trumps have changed from… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was… — Joe Rogan Copy Share Image
I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker. — Michael McIntyre Copy Share Image
The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back — Will Rogers Copy Share Image
If life gives you lemons don't make a fucking lemonade take the shitty lemons and throw them at the assole who's making… — Peta-Gaye Clark Copy Share Image
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
“I tried to picture a bunch of guys in blue suits running around a beachside neighborhood, knocking on doors and flashing Fed… — Nelson DeMille Copy Share Image
For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting… — Isabel Allende Copy Share Image
No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more than she can be witty only by the help… — Richard Steele Copy Share Image
When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
