My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!" — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her.… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat. — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here? — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers,… — Milton Berle Copy Share
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. — Milton Berle Copy Share
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it. — Milton Berle Copy Share
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was… — Milton Berle Copy Share
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd… — Milton Berle Copy Share
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once… — Milton Berle Copy Share
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. — Milton Berle Copy Share
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor… — Milton Berle Copy Share
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman. — Milton Berle Copy Share
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies. — Milton Berle Copy Share
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't… — Milton Berle Copy Share
