I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Technically my dog's naked most of the time. Except halloween, when I dress him up as Liza Minelli. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night! — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It's great having 100… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
In the past I've been hard on the vegans. I've called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them.… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
There are times when you see the news, and you go, "How the hell am I meant to do anything tonight?" I'm… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I felt that, as time went on, an audience gets to know you and in a weird way, you kind of feel… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually,… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
“Those unexpected morality lessons provided by the trip had jolted me into some kind of action. It was time to jettison the… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
“Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long day And you've got the sandman at your door. But hang on,… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
“I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.” — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van? — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share
