If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I remember the day I saw my hair was thinning. I don't remember caring much. I don't care. It's just hair. It… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
People are always fighting for attention with things now because there's so much content. Actually, if you don't tell people stuff -… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
The Jackass movies are honestly some of the best movies I've ever seen. I laugh so hard at them. Those guys are… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Don't text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don't keep telling people what you're doing. Just, because also -… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
It’s been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
There’s a need to perfect things in a writers’ room, and that can take a lot of fun out of a show… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
There's people that say “It's not fair You have all that stuff.” I wasn't born with it. It was a horrible process… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I learned that money can be a lot of things,It can be something that is hoarded, fought over, protected, stolen and withheld.… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance. — Louis C. K Copy Share
I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to… — Louis C. K Copy Share
I can feel how an audience is reacting when I'm on a stage, but when you are on stage, your perception is distorted. That's… — Louis C. K Copy Share
“You need to develop the ability to just be yourself and not be doing something, that's what the phones are taking away. The ability… — Louis C. K Copy Share
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die. — Louis C. K Copy Share
I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning. — Louis C. K Copy Share
There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I… — Louis C. K Copy Share
“A woman saying yes to a date with a man is literally insane and ill-advised, and the whole species' existence counts on them doing… — Louis C. K Copy Share
When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way… — Louis C. K Copy Share
You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can get yourself… — Louis C. K Copy Share
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot… — Louis C. K Copy Share
If you had a jetpack you'd be like I have the shittiest jetpack. Who's your service provider on your jetpack? Did they make the… — Louis C. K Copy Share
