Funny facebook status Quotes · Page 28

When somebody says f-ck my life... I say life may f-ck you and walkway

— Ted

Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape on backwards.'

— Anonymous

Diet rule 1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn't contain any calories

— Hussein Nishah

"All you do is sit on Facebook all day" Lies. I sit on the chair.

— Anonymous

I changed my car horn sound to gun shots, people move out of the way much faster now.

— Itsme867

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

— Nikhil Saluja

If the last page of your notebook is blank, you surely lack of creativity.

— Punkinhead Abhishek

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

— Nikhil Saluja

Seeing a cute couple end their relationship is like watching the ending of every Nicholas Spark movie.

— Anonymous

If you can't be the reason behind her smile, at least be the reason she walks funny for a while!

— Nikhil Saluja

Facebook event invites from people you barely know should really have a 'seriously?' option in the reply.

— Anonymous

A man asked a fairy to make him desirable & irresistible to all women. She turned him into a credit card.

— Anonymous

The Miami Heat playing the San Antonio Spurs is the only way I could ever root for anything from Texas.

— Anonymous

I love how face book shows when a message is seen now ain't no one gonna lie about it. Guilty as Charge

— Solene Gemtessa

Your the type of person who walks up while I'm cutting grass and ask what I'm doing? Bitch I'm cutting grass ...

— Lonniedagreat

Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a…

— Anonymous

You're such a boob. Just tittin. You're my best friend.

— Anonymous

A girl leaves you breathless after sex. The woman leaves you in a coma.

— Nikhil Saluja

Face it, we wont get the perfect ending. Even Cinderalla has problems

— Kenzie-ann

If I'm not back in five minutes ... just wait longer.

— Nikhil Saluja

Oh you're the type of girl that uses your personality as birth control.

— Nikhil Saluja

If cheerleading is a sport then so is beer pong.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'd like to have a child one day.. two days at the most.

— Anonymous

They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Whos in a hurry?

— Anonymous

Hardly did I know when I met you That we are going to meet often

— Nikhil Saluja

FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

— Nikhil Saluja

LOVE, What we have in common with the residents of all third-world countries;

— Nikhil Saluja

My diabetic neighbor died in his sleep. I forgot to wish him 'sweet dreams.'

— Anonymous

Imagine meeting someone who understood even the dustiest corners of your mixed up soul.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm not lazy, I'm a master of energy conservation...

— Nikhil Saluja

If you hate someone and you want to screw their life, introduce them to Twitter.

— Nikhil Saluja

Whats the worst thing to do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet.

— Anonymous

They changed the name to 'Facebook' because 'Stalk My Ex' seemed a little too creepy.

— Anonymous

Thirsty dudes make ugly girls think they're cute.

— Anonymous

I've had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.

— Anonymous

HUSBAND, What is left of a lover, after the nerve has been removed;

— Nikhil Saluja

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.

— Hussein Nishah

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

— Nikhil Saluja

Did your mom drop you as a baby? Yeah, into a pool of sexy.

— Anonymous

I'm not sure how I feel about these feelings things.

— Nikhil Saluja