Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Happiness lies not in happiness but only in the attempt to achieve it. — Fyodor Dostoevsky Copy Share Image
Drop the question of what tomorrow may bring, and count as profit every day that Fate allows you. — Horace Copy Share Image
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
You can get over a broken past if you decide to believe that there's nothing in your past that can keep you… — Joyce Meyer Copy Share Image
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I bet it would really start to annoy you after a while how… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Do you know that the words meditation and medicine come from the same root? Meditation is a kind of medicine; its use… — Rajneesh Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good,"… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I always thought death was cruel, a silent destroyer of breath, of hope, of life. Now I understand it is physical death,… — Stefanie Schneider Copy Share Image
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The believer speaks little and does a lot, whereas the hypocrite speaks a lot and does little. When the believer speaks, it… — Abu Nu`aym Copy Share Image
I dropped my juggling balls and my face grew embarrassed. It wasn't until then that I looked around the circus of life… — Stefanie Schneider Copy Share Image
It's not so hard to get rich as it is to know when you have gotten rich. — Josh Billings Copy Share Image
When you believe that your problem is caused by someone or something else, you become your own victim. — Byron Katie Copy Share Image
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm ever more "aware" than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend." — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
And ah for a man to arise in me, That the man I am may cease to be! — Alfred Lord Tennyson Copy Share Image
To have a high IQ, you tend to specialize, think deep thoughts. You avoid trivia. — Christopher Langan Copy Share Image
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you truly have it, you never lose it; and if you lose it, you never truly had it. — R. C. Sproul Copy Share Image
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF! — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
How strange now, looks the life he makes us lead; So free we seem, so fettered fast we are! — Robert Browning Copy Share Image
