Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
A computer makes it possible to do, in half an hour, tasks which were completely unnecessary to do before — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I report as a machine; I write as a person. That clear dichotomy softens the transition. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.' — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
A program is a spell cast over a computer, turning input into error messages — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Modern cyberspace is a deadly festering swamp, teeming with dangerous programs such as 'viruses,' 'worms,' 'Trojan horses' and 'licensed Microsoft software' that… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
My current computer, in addition to 'DOS,' has 'Windows,' which is another invention of Bill Gates, designed as a security measure to… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The other major kind of computer is the "Apple," which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Without computers, the government would be unable to function at the level of effectiveness and efficiency that we have come to expect.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Technically, Windows is an "operating system," which means that it supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to suddenly,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You can use the Internet to find out, from anywhere on the planet: exactly how much coffee is in a certain coffee… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Internet "browser"... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share
