Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
“Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share
