"A man in Michigan stole nearly 250 empty……" — Seth Meyers
"A man in Michigan stole nearly 250 empty beer cans from a 7-11 store and then told police that his crack cocaine habit drove him to do it. So they had you on stealing empty cans and you gave them a major charge? That's like saying 'Sorry about the littering, officer, I'm just so distracted ever since I killed my wife."
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