Funny insults Quote by John Swartzwelder

“I was sleeping like a baby - waking up every three hours screaming and crapping my pants.”

— John Swartzwelder

I made a circular motion with my finger around my temple to indicate I thought this guy was crazy, forgetting that there was no…

— John Swartzwelder

“Everybody loves a good car chase. There’s something in it for everyone: plenty of high-speed action, lots of crashes and explosions, romance possibly, and…

— John Swartzwelder

They can kill the Kennedys. Why can't they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?

— John Swartzwelder

As my exciting story began I was being punched in the stomach.

— John Swartzwelder

“The next day, a dead turtle was left on my doorstep as a warning. I couldn’t figure out as a warning for what, and…

— John Swartzwelder

I’ll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.

— John Swartzwelder

“He told me the crooks used this place for more than just a dumping ground for undesirables. He said they also had a lot…

— John Swartzwelder

I try to maintain a positive attitude at all times, because clients notice little things like that, and if you're frowning and crying all…

— John Swartzwelder

I'm 190 pounds of rock hard muscle, underneath 40 pounds of sturdy protective fat.

— John Swartzwelder

If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it's your duty as an American to do it.

— John Swartzwelder

“I was just turning away to leave when I noticed a slight distortion in the air in the shape of a hole at the…

— John Swartzwelder