Caring for others Quote by Douglas Stone
““An employee wanders into work late, something you’ve been meaning to talk to them about, so you say, “Late again, eh?” and leave it at that. Or you visit your son for the weekend, notice the empty beer bottles in the garbage, and say, “I see you’re still drinking up a storm.” These comments are intended to help. You hope your employee or your son will take the message to heart. But while your comments may help you feel a bit better (“At least I’ve said something”), they make the other person defensive and frustrated, which is unlikely to produce the kind of change you had in mind. A good rule to follow is: If you’re going to talk, talk. Really talk.””
About This Quote
Source Book: Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, 1999
Brief remarks often trigger defensiveness, preventing genuine dialogue and lasting change.
In simple terms: Short comments can make people defensive.
Key Takeaway
Engage in full, honest conversation.
Themes
communication
feedback
relationships
Mood
reflective
concerned
Type
advice
psychological
When to use this quote
- workplace performance reviews
- family discussions
- conflict resolution
- coaching sessions
Key Concepts
psychology
defensiveness
dialogue
Questions to Reflect On
- How can you invite openness without sounding accusatory?
- What deeper concerns might the other person have?
A Different Perspective
If you only give a hint, the other person may not grasp the full issue.
![“[excerpt] The usual I say. Essence. Spirit. Medicine. A taste. I say top shelf. Straight up. A shot. A sip. A nip. I say another round. I say brace yourself. Lift a few. Hoist a few. Work the elbow. Bottoms up. Belly up. Set ‘em up. What’ll it be. Name your poison. I say same again. I say all…” quote by Nick Flynn](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/244/nick-flynn-8678_breakfast-of-champio_excerpt-the-usual-i-say-essence-spirit-m_465146.jpg)
![“The single most important thing [you can do] is to shift [your] internal stance from "I understand" to "Help me understand." Everything else follows from that. . . . Remind yourself that if you think you already understand how someone feels or what they are trying to say, it is a delusion…” quote by Douglas Stone](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/8b4/douglas-stone-35730_delusion_the-single-most-important-thing-you-can_3144700.jpg)
