““I think honesty and love help to create the safety that children need to just be children. If we want them to “fix” us, to cure us, to make us better, then we are not being honest with ourselves; we know that children can’t heal us or heal our relationships with others. That is beyond their capabilities, and it is certainly not their responsibility. On the other hand, we are not being honest or loving if we hide our fears and ask them to pretend that world is different from what they see. The child of an alcoholic father, for instance, can see that the father’s drinking is out of control. If the mother says, “Your father doesn’t have a problem. He’s just had a bad day at the office,” then the child feels terribly unsafe. But picture a mother who could say, “Your father has an illness called alcoholism, and it’s out of control right now. I can understand that it’s frightening to you, and sometimes it’s frightening to me. I’m doing the best I can - we’re all doing the best we can to make it better for all of us.” Just hearing that, the child feels safer in an unsafe environment. And that’s my point about honesty. I think we owe honesty to our children, because when we try to force safety on them without being honest, it begins to feel unsafe. When we try to hide our fears, our depressions, or our vulnerability, our children pick them up and try to take care of us. I think we owe it to our children to be strong enough to show our weakness. If we can show that we have the kind of strength it takes to talk about our weakness and our fears, then they’ll feel safe in that strength. And our fears will not threaten them.””
