Tim Allen Quotes

49 quotes in 703 categories

• Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're…
• Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
• Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
• You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.
• Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot…
• I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some…
• The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and…
• My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
• Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
• Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
• I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.
• Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over…
• While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
• I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing…
• In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife…
• The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other…
• Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.
• Before Kady was born, I didn't think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with…
• Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
• All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or…

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