I hate comics that try to change the world. That's not my job. That's for the king. I'm the jester. I'm there… — Ralphie May Change the world Copy Share Image
My neighborhood is so bad. This is how we have to order at the drive-thru if we wanna stay alive... — Ralphie May Neighborhood Copy Share Image
So, are we like best friends now that youve seen whats in my freezer? — Ralphie May Best friend Copy Share Image
When I get emotional about something, that's usually when funny comes. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
I'm not PC all the time in my phrasing, because that meets a wall; people won't hear it. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
I'm so Southern that I'm related to myself. I'm actually my own cousin. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
I'm a dirty, filthy animal and I'm a dirty comedian, but I got a lot of charisma and charm. — Ralphie May Animal Copy Share Image
Im still trying to decide if hes a punk-ass bitch, or a bitch-ass punk. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
I've been called a race traitor, prejudiced about white people. It's ridiculous... I have a really, really diverse crowd. Most comedy clubs… — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
I've been enjoying classes at the gym, where people look at me because I'm fat. At the end of the workout, they're… — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
The iPhone rules, but it does everything but get a call, you know? I can't tell you how many times my wife… — Ralphie May Cell phone Copy Share Image
America thinks if you're fat, you're stupid. That's great. I want them to keep thinking that. Let them keep on thinking that… — Ralphie May Expectations Copy Share Image
When somebody's different, it's so easy to dismiss what people say because of what they look like. They really want to judge… — Ralphie May Book Copy Share Image
Vegas needs a really funny, dirty, late-night show, and I'll tell it like it is, I promise you that. And you gotta… — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
Atlanta is interesting. You have high education rates but there are plenty of regular folks. People have degrees but chop wood on… — Ralphie May Atlanta Copy Share Image
If you want to be called a dwarf you must be in immediate possession of a battle axe cause otherwise your just… — Ralphie May Attitude Copy Share Image
I think there's too much emphasis on making sure our corporations are OK versus making sure our people are OK. — Ralphie May Corporations Copy Share Image
I don't go to comedy clubs unless I'm working. And when I do work, I come in, I do my time and… — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
I think we can do better with our politicians. I think I'd make a good one, because I like people. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
If people get their feelings hurt from jokes, then they are too delicate to be in society. — Ralphie May Comedy Copy Share Image
There's a big difference between being racist and racially insensitive. — Ralphie May Being Copy Share Image
We are all fingers on the same hand. We may not look alike, but we are all needed. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
In L.A., fat people are mythical. We're like Big Foot. 'Oh, yeah, my cousin knows someone who's fat.' Nobody's fat in L.A. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
I may have cut it a little close, but youll have heard that already by now! — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
I've got a lot of charisma, plus women are forgiving and they can be charmed. — Ralphie May Charisma Copy Share Image
I got kids now... It gives you an empathetic feeling into other cultures and stuff. — Ralphie May Children Copy Share Image
I see the absurdity in things, and I think it's my job to point it out. — Ralphie May Absurdity Copy Share Image
I got a little bit o black in me. I didnt get that big dick though...I got bad credit, aint that a… — Ralphie May Big dick Copy Share Image
As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy. — Ralphie May Choice Copy Share Image
The day you don't mess with somebody, that would be exclusive rather than inclusive. I strive to be inclusive. — Ralphie May Day Copy Share Image
You can have a poli-science degree but if you don't know people, it doesn't do you a bit of good when you're… — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
In my entire life I've spent maybe three weeks with my dad under the same roof. — Ralphie May Dad Copy Share Image
I'm blue collar, which means white trash with a job. But it also means people who take pride in what they do. — Ralphie May Blue Copy Share Image
I live in a very dangerous part of Los Angeles? its called Los Angeles. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
I want to raise awareness about evils perpetuated on American citizens by other American citizens. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
Comedy is not about appearance; it's about rockin' a mike. Are they laughing? That's the only test. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
I'm an entertainer first. But I do as a stand up comedian, the way for me to evolve is to make a… — Ralphie May Comedian Copy Share Image
Jesus was a pothead- long hair, beard, sandals, carpenter- do the math it all adds up. Living with twelve guys with no… — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
