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Matt Bellassai

Comedian

19 quotes in 18 categories

Matt Bellassai is a comedian.

Quick Facts About Matt Bellassai

Profession: Comedian

About Matt Bellassai

[Wikidata] American comedian and writer... | [Wikipedia] Matt Bellassai is an American comedian and writer. He hosts the Unhappy Hour podcast and web series To Be Honest. He formerly starred in the BuzzFeed web series Whine About It, which attracted 3.5 million weekly viewers. He received the 2016 People's Choice Award for Favorite Social Media Star. He i

Quotes by Matt Bellassai

“I’m hopping on one foot and grasping at the curtains, because that’s what dressing rooms are these days, curtains instead of walls…

Dressing room

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“her eyes widened ever so slightly as she got closer, in that way that adults’ eyes tend to widen when they realize…

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“There was an emergency brake, but I’m terrible at deciding what amounts to an emergency, most of all when I’m in the…

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“I wrote her a letter, because a letter felt like the easiest and also most dramatic way to do this kind of…

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“Listen. Don't sexually harass Brenda and also, the guy who wants 15 percent off that kitchen mixer he found in the sale…

Retail

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“But we're talking about America here, where babies grow up to be even bigger babies, and all we really get along the…

America

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“Eventually, of course, I grew up, and those fears went away. But the fun thing about fears is that they’re easily replaced…

Fear

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“Seriously, if teenage girls decide to organize one day, there’s literally nothing we can do to stop them.”

Teenage girls

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“Is everything OK in there?” the sales associate is asking. “Do you need any help?” Which is not a question you want…

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“Is everything all right in there?” (A question that someone only asks when everything is not all right in there.)”

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“(I will never understand the thrill of fishing. At its very best, it’s an activity that ends with a vicious struggle to…

Adventure

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“Babies are to be kept on silent at all times, and if one goes off in public, it shall be discarded.”

Time

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“(Side note: I heard that dentist call one of his assistants a bitch one time, so I have zero regrets about vomiting…

Zero regrets

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“a fax machine was the monstrous bastard child of a phone, a printer, a scanner, a calculator, and the devil,”

Children

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“Here’s the thing that you learn almost immediately when you work in retail: the customer is absolutely never right.”

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“On weekends, the local blacksmith would come to our house and use my hair to forge wrought iron into various decorative metal…

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“As most college freshmen are, I was randomly assigned a roommate by an old computer with a terrible sense of irony and…

Humor

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“I noticed it, as you notice most things in life, in the reflection of my head on the blank screen of my…

Life

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“I went on to spend an inordinate amount of my childhood bashfully attached to my mother's pelvis, mostly out of social anxiety,…

Anxiety

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