Lundy Bancroft

“In short, the abusive mentality is the mentality of oppression.”

— Lundy Bancroft

“Abused women aren't "codependent." It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships.”

— Lundy Bancroft

“Abuse is not his goal, but control is, and he finds himself using abuse to gain the control he feels he has…

— Lundy Bancroft

“Addiction does not cause partner abuse, and recovery from addiction does not “cure” partner abuse.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Never believe a man's claim that he has to harm his partner in order to protect her; only abusers think this way.

— Lundy Bancroft

“HE ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’S ABUSIVE.”

— Lundy Bancroft

Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once.

— Lundy Bancroft

“Our society should not buy into the abusive man's claim that holding him accountable is an act of cruelty.”

— Lundy Bancroft

“When we hear these kinds of excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that—excuses. We don’t consider an active alcoholic…

— Lundy Bancroft

“THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES…

— Lundy Bancroft

“Children do best when parents are neither overly strict nor overly permissive, providing firm structure but also allowing for dialogue, respectful conflict,…

— Lundy Bancroft

“When people conclude that anger causes abuse, they are confusing cause and effect. Ray was not abusive because he was angry; he…

— Lundy Bancroft

As long as we see abusers as victims, or as out-of-control monsters, they will continue getting away with ruining lives. If we…

— Lundy Bancroft

“Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control.”

— Lundy Bancroft

“The underlying attitude comes bursting out of his words: He believes his wife is keeping something of his away from him when…

— Lundy Bancroft

“Encourage the women in your life—your friends, sisters, mothers, daughters—to insist on dignity and respect, to have faith in themselves, to be…

— Lundy Bancroft

“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as…

— Lundy Bancroft

The sense of ownership is one reason why abuse tends to get worse as relationships get more serious. The more history and…

— Lundy Bancroft

“The central attitudes driving the Drill Sergeant are: I need to control your every move or you will do it wrong. I…

— Lundy Bancroft

“Resistance never disappears; it waits in the shadows, sometimes for many years, and then eventually sprouts again. You may have gone through…

— Lundy Bancroft

“The central attitudes driving Mr. Sensitive are: I’m against the macho men, so I couldn’t be abusive. As long as I use…

— Lundy Bancroft

“Have you ever heard a woman claim that the reason why she is chronically mistreating her male partner is because a previous…

— Lundy Bancroft

“If you are aware of chronic or severe mistreatment and do not speak out against it, your silence communicates implicitly that you…

— Lundy Bancroft

The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are: It's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities…

— Lundy Bancroft

“Almost no abuser is mean or frightening all the time. At least occasionally, he is loving, gentle, and humorous and perhaps even…

— Lundy Bancroft

“When a man’s face contorts in bitterness and hatred, he looks a little insane. When his mood changes from elated to assaultive…

— Lundy Bancroft

“The woman knows from living with the abusive man that there are no simple answers. Friends say: “He’s mean.” But she knows…

— Lundy Bancroft

“YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER. One of the basic human…

— Lundy Bancroft

“The abusive man’s high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His…

— Lundy Bancroft

“ABUSIVE MEN COME in every personality type, arise from good childhoods and bad ones, are macho men or gentle, “liberated” men. No…

— Lundy Bancroft

“Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of…

— Lundy Bancroft

“The central attitudes driving Mr. Right are: You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually.…

— Lundy Bancroft

“In the 1890s, when Freud was in the dawn of his career, he was struck by how many of his female patients…

— Lundy Bancroft

“Every aspect of the multipronged legal system even today is dominated by males: police, prosecutors, judges, probation officers. In addition, the state…

— Lundy Bancroft

“The abuser’s mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to…

— Lundy Bancroft

“In the 1890s, when Freud was in the dawn of his career, he was struck by how many of his female patients…

— Lundy Bancroft

“Consider how challenging it is to negotiate or compromise with a man who operates on the following tenets (whether or not he…

— Lundy Bancroft

“HOW CAN I TELL IF A MAN I’M SEEING WILL BECOME ABUSIVE? • He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners. • He…

— Lundy Bancroft

“To make matters worse, everyone she talks to has a different opinion about the nature of his problem and what she should…

— Lundy Bancroft

If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.

— Lundy Bancroft