“A census taker once tried to test me. I let my front garden eat him.” — Jonathan L. Howard Census Copy Share Image
“Do shut your mouth--you'll catch flies sitting there like that.” — Jonathan L. Howard Catch Copy Share Image
“It was a lot less pleasant than travel via a discorporated poet.” — Jonathan L. Howard Poet Copy Share Image
“You know what? Forget the warning. Read the book. Go insane. See if I care.” — Jonathan L. Howard Books Copy Share Image
“Being an adult isn't a matter of age. It's a matter of responsibility.” — Jonathan L. Howard Adult Copy Share Image
“You're familiar with the theory of evolution?" asked Cabal. "Sir?" "They're about to find out why intelligence is a survival trait.” — Jonathan L. Howard Biology Copy Share Image
“He had seen inferno and tempest, and had not only looked into the abyss but the abyss had looked into him, and… — Jonathan L. Howard Looked Abyss Copy Share Image
“The only more immediate alternative that I can think of is a Tantric ritual involving necrophiliac sodomy and, frankly, I don’t think… — Jonathan L. Howard Necrophiliac Sodomy Copy Share Image
“Now you're an adult, Katya!" he'd said, picking her up under the armpits like he'd been doing since she'd been born.” — Jonathan L. Howard Armpits Copy Share Image
“he came into the store to threaten you with math and philosophy. The motherfucker’s going down.” — Jonathan L. Howard Mathematics Copy Share Image
“Lesson one: expect to get screwed over for the convenience of others on a regular basis.” — Jonathan L. Howard Lesson Copy Share Image
“Horst grinned. ‘Well, look at us. The necromancer and the vampire against the forces of elemental evil. The Brothers Cabal ride again!’… — Jonathan L. Howard Brothers Cabal Copy Share Image
“You've had your warning, Cabal. Now, prepare to face the terrible arcane wrath of Maleficarus!" Somewhere, a sheep bleated and quite ruined… — Jonathan L. Howard Cabal Copy Share Image
“You wish to isolate fear. Ah, well, if only I'd realised your ambitions were so simple. Perhaps we can work up to… — Jonathan L. Howard Faith Copy Share Image
“For the first time, he truly understood what Nietzsche had meant when he had yammered about looking into abysses. Not only had… — Jonathan L. Howard First time Copy Share Image
“Johannes Cabal disliked many things, despised fewer, loathed fewer still, and reserved true hatred for only a handful. Understanding how intense his… — Jonathan L. Howard Dislike Copy Share Image
“Instead he gave Cabal his most professional pat on the shoulder. It was his best pat, the one that said, You have… — Jonathan L. Howard Cabal Copy Share Image
“The Mayor of Murslaugh was a jolly, ebullient man of the sort who, in a well-ordered world, would be called Fezziwig. That… — Jonathan L. Howard Mayor Copy Share Image
“He found Satan on his throne in the cavern of lava, reading a large-print edition of Wheatley’s The Satanist . 'It’s a… — Jonathan L. Howard Books Copy Share Image
“He's painted himself into a corner and a thousand lazy reporters and ever-so-sincere politicians had rendered the only word that he could… — Jonathan L. Howard Cabal Copy Share Image
“As the barman’s hand rose from beneath the bar, Cabal was filled with a presentiment and a strange foreboding that he hadn’t… — Jonathan L. Howard Cabal Copy Share Image
“Admittedly, given the Dreamland's tendency towards the dramatic, should any ship come to the island it would probably be full of cannibalistic… — Jonathan L. Howard Cannibalistic Pirates Copy Share Image
“Lo!" cried the demon. "I am here! What dost thou seek of me? Why dost thou disturb my repose? Smite me no… — Jonathan L. Howard Demon Copy Share Image
“Allow me to refresh your obviously faulty memories. I allow you to stay within my front garden on the understanding that you… — Jonathan L. Howard Cabal Copy Share Image
“Cabal regarded her with mild amusement. “Smile when you whisper,” he advised her. “You’re supposed to be flirting with me, if you… — Jonathan L. Howard Cabal Copy Share Image
“How about him, then?" She nodded at Horst. "Are you and he lovers?" Even Cabal was taken aback by this. "Hardly, madam.… — Jonathan L. Howard Lovers Cabal Copy Share Image
“Now, let us consider the life of Johannes Cabal, if briefly. He is closing on his thirtieth year and is ageing better… — Jonathan L. Howard Life Copy Share Image
“There is possibly no insult so calculated to sting the English as the suggestion that they may at any time be considered… — Jonathan L. Howard English Copy Share Image
“Real history was unromantic, steeped in greed and blood and abject eye-rolling stupidity. An endless parade of putative Ozymandiases marching off to… — Jonathan L. Howard Barbarism Copy Share Image
“Well, if I ever suffer brain damage I know there's always a career waiting for me in local politics.” — Jonathan L. Howard Brain damage Copy Share Image
“They served to remind Cabal - should a reminder ever be necessary - why his social skills were so poor: people were… — Jonathan L. Howard Cabal Copy Share Image
“Cats, as any rational person knows, are solitary, opportunistic, ambush predators, much like spiders, but with fewer legs and a better fan… — Jonathan L. Howard Cats Copy Share Image
“I had wanted some cheese, but couldn't find any at short notice. It was a shame. Cheese goes so well with tragedy.” — Jonathan L. Howard Cheese Copy Share Image
“His pièce de résistance was the-thing-I-shot-with-my-crossbow-au-vin , which was universally praised on the second evening.” — Jonathan L. Howard Praised Copy Share Image
