Jimmy Carr Quotes

58 quotes in 729 categories

• The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you…
• The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.
• How many airports are there in the world?
• Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.
• If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids
• If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
• Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.
• I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
• A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I…
• A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
• As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success…
• Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.
• I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.
• I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be…
• I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that…
• I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.
• I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.
• I pay what I have to and not a penny more.
• Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.
• Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other...

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