Jeffrey Bernard Quotes

22 quotes in 457 categories

• Oh, to me not drinking is like being dead, almost. I sit here taking endless journeys down memory lane. It gets boring.
• One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
• They smoke cigarettes professionally. The smoke is inhaled very sharply and the teeth are bared.Then the head turns to give you a profile and the…
• The more necessary it becomes to stop drinking, the more impossible it becomes to stop.
• Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, 'Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades, and good…
• A lot of girls annoy me who go to university - one girl told me she was going to Oxford because it was something to…
• When I was a boy, I naively thought that this thing called happiness would be something I would wake up to find every day once…
• Although I have to admit I have despised a couple of people simply because they have never had a job in their lives.
• One of the things that goes with getting older is that one becomes more conservative - and I emphasise that when I use the word…
• The only reason I would have liked to have gone to university is because I like cricket. Not a very good reason to want to…
• In most betting shops you will see three windows marked 'Bet Here', but only one window with the legend 'Pay Out'.
• I was under the care of a couple of medical students who couldn't diagnose a decapitation.
• It's one thing to ask your bank manager for an overdraft to buy 500 begonias for the borders in Haslemere, but quite another to seek…
• What a pity people don't take as much trouble with their own breeding as intelligent racehorse owners do. But then I suppose it is bordering…
• You never see a pretty, unattached girl on a racecourse. But you often see positive gangs of rather unpretty ones. They are the owners or…
• I have stood in a bar in Lambourn and been offered, in the space of five minutes, a poached salmon, a leg of a horse,…
• There's nothing undignified about lying about all day and being waited on by servants, sipping bloody champagne.
• I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me what I was…
• It's not name dropping, but not many people can say, like me, that they spent the day with the likes of Francis Bacon or that…
• But you've got to have money for comfort, which obviously doesn't matter as much when you're young, but even so. I always like to bloody…

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