I'm a professional comic. Whether you think I'm funny or not, that's, again, subjective. — David Cross Comedy Copy Share Image
I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner. — David Cross Copy Share Image
“Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm” — David Cross Copy Share Image
I think I'd be a really good dad. So perhaps I'm doing society a disservice by not having as many kids as… — David Cross Dad Copy Share Image
I'm pretty happy. I obviously have complaints about things, but for the most part, I'm on the above-average side of happy people. — David Cross Copy Share Image
There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally. — David Cross Copy Share Image
I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper. — David Cross Cities Copy Share Image
I am truly passionate and concerned about the lack of empathy that people show towards one another. — David Cross Copy Share Image
Hopefully people are upset for the reason I want them to be upset. Even when I was doing open mics, I've always… — David Cross Crowd pleasers Copy Share Image
I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm… — David Cross Funny Copy Share Image
I just did 101 shows in 86 different cities in America and Europe and Canada, and I'm not lying or exaggerating when… — David Cross America Copy Share Image
There's quite an overlap between musicians - especially drummers - who have an affection and a proclivity towards comedy and comedians who… — David Cross Affection Copy Share Image
We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and… — David Cross Copy Share Image
“I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing… — David Cross Comedy Copy Share Image
Most people who have kids are, "Hey, I want another me. I like me. I'm pretty cool, and I've got really great… — David Cross Great idea Copy Share Image
In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have… — David Cross Beautiful Copy Share Image
I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous. — David Cross Angry Copy Share Image
Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat… — David Cross Copy Share Image
“Now, I don't consider myself the smartest chip in the cookie, but I ain't the dumbest, either.” — David Cross Copy Share Image
That's what social media is, that's what Twitter is, that's what Facebook posts are. It's just really anti-intellectual. — David Cross Intellectual Copy Share Image
Hopefully people will be reinventing comedy forever and ever. This is just what I do, and it's a type of comedy. — David Cross Comedy Copy Share Image
I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse… — David Cross Art Copy Share Image
I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate. — David Cross Being Copy Share Image
I'm directing the Sky show. I'm not going to be in it. I'm just writing and directing it. So that'll satisfy that… — David Cross Brain Copy Share Image
If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine. — David Cross Copy Share Image
I have no hesitation doing children's movies. Zero. And I don't even have kids. — David Cross Children Copy Share Image
Florida was the low point.The entire state, yep. I'm not sure I'd go back. — David Cross Florida Copy Share Image
It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny. — David Cross Copy Share Image
I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people. — David Cross Copy Share Image
I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the… — David Cross Copy Share Image
[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's… — David Cross Copy Share Image
Maybe if you live in Brooklyn, you don't need to hear that? But please, trust me, in most of America, they do… — David Cross America Copy Share Image
Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but… — David Cross CNN Copy Share Image
I'm finally going to be able to finally criticize [Hillary Clinton] without being accused of being a sexist - that idea. I'm… — David Cross Copy Share Image
It's not that I don't have kids for some personal reason outside of, I just haven't had kids. And I haven't met… — David Cross Copy Share Image
A verbose, prosaic review which mentions whistling winds and the timeless feeling of jade doesn't mean anything to me; I don't need… — David Cross Albums Copy Share Image
I'd like to think that I'm not just making the point that I'm an atheist over and over, but that I explore… — David Cross Atheist Copy Share Image
I do lots of other drugs but I smoke pot maybe 5-10 times a year now. I used to smoke it all… — David Cross Copy Share Image
What happened to our friendship? I really think it's our obligation as friends to be brutally honest and be frank with them… — David Cross Baby Copy Share Image
I'd be curious to find out, but I don't think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically… — David Cross Copy Share Image
![“[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.” quote by David Cross](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/bf1/david-cross-3386_blanket_on-the-dating-handbook-with-a-telescope_3033428.png)
![“I'm finally going to be able to finally criticize [Hillary Clinton] without being accused of being a sexist - that idea. I'm not a fan, I don't like her, but you can't say anything without being accused of being a sexist pig, which is unfair.” quote by David Cross](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/999/david-cross-3386_able_i-m-finally-going-to-be-able-to-finally_495265.png)
