Bob Monkhouse Quotes

23 quotes in 247 categories

• Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
• My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
• My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof…
• I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
• What do gardeners do when they retire?
• I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
• Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
• I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
• Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.
• When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
• It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.
• Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
• I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!
• My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
• With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
• I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.
• They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
• I got my start in silent radio.
• If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
• My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

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