“Like cubic zirconia, I only look real. I'm an imposter.” — Augusten Burroughs Imposter Copy Share Image
and she's a nurse. do you know how hard nursing school is? it's like medical school. so she's obviously smart. — Augusten Burroughs Medical Copy Share Image
“If you don't like smoking don't even bother getting sober, just stay drunk.” — Augusten Burroughs Getting sober Copy Share Image
This is what happens when you go against the grain of truth. You get splinters later on. — Augusten Burroughs Grain Copy Share Image
This is what you should know about losing someone you love. They do not travel alone. You go with them. — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn't deserve it. — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
The more obsessed one is with getting thin, the more certain it becomes that one will never get there. — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
Life would be fabric-softener, tuna-salad-on-white, PTA-meeting normal. — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
I'm like the guy who prepares your taxes or a dentist. I'm very conservative and boring in a lot of ways. — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
I never could have written the screenplay because I would have been forced to learn new software and I can't learn one… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
I never get sick of writing my own stories because there's a certain comfort in knowing you will never run out of… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“Gone were the days when she would stand on the deck lighting lemon-scented candles without then having to eat the wax” — Augusten Burroughs Candles Copy Share Image
“I would borrow the microphone and stuff it down the front of my pants, examining myself from every angle in the mirror” — Augusten Burroughs Mirror Copy Share Image
“Think of the actual physical elements that compose our bodies: we are 98 percent hydrogen and oxygen and carbon. That’s table sugar.… — Augusten Burroughs Elements Copy Share Image
“I slipped on a turtleneck, laughing when my head became stuck in the turtle part. If they weren't called turtlenecks, I wouldn't… — Augusten Burroughs Childhood Copy Share Image
“Although my parents never attended church or mentioned Jesus except when they screamed at each other—and then they used his full name,… — Augusten Burroughs Catholic Copy Share Image
People generally like happy endings, which is something I learned from my years in advertising. I like happy endings myself, but only… — Augusten Burroughs Advertising Copy Share Image
I don't sit down at nine in the morning and begin writing and then take a break for lunch and stop at… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“Why am I so anxious? And then it hits me. I'm not anxious, I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep… — Augusten Burroughs Anxious Copy Share Image
With my own memoirs, they are truthful, and I write everything fully expecting to some day end up televised on Court TV,… — Augusten Burroughs Court Copy Share Image
“It was not uncommon to walk in the door of their home and find my mother sitting on the sofa reading over… — Augusten Burroughs Mother Copy Share Image
In general, advertising isn't a "creative" atmosphere. It's a business atmosphere and your job is puzzle solving. My favorite aspect of the… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“I love her handbag. Inside are papers and her wallet and cigarettes and at the bottom, where she never looks, there is… — Augusten Burroughs Change Copy Share Image
You must never allow something that happened to you to become a morbidly treasured heirloom that you carry, show people, put back… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“And then just as suddenly, I felt absolutely nothing. It was like a door quickly opened, showing me what horrible feelings I… — Augusten Burroughs Feelings Copy Share Image
“I believe in the baby Jesus, and I believe he is handsome and lives in the sky with his pet cow. I… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“Miracles do happen. You must believe this. No matter what else you believe about life, you must believe in miracles. Because we… — Augusten Burroughs Believe in miracles Copy Share Image
“If you meet somebody and they love you when you are your true, awful, not-ready-yet, boring, not cool enough, not handsome enough,… — Augusten Burroughs Love Copy Share Image
Before I'm a writer, I'm definitely a reader and when I read memoir, I really want it to be true. — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“It takes two people looking in all directions at once to see everything.” — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“I will please shut the hell up the day you please drop the hell dead” — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“Despite evidence to the contrary, I hated drinking to the point that I misplaced really big slabs of time.” — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
In some ways, blogging is like drinking - it gives a person permission to be a total asshole. — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
I was in advertising for years. That was cushy, you know? It's pretty cushy in a lot of ways, but I hated… — Augusten Burroughs Advertising Copy Share Image
Even when we lose an arm or a leg, there's not less of us but more. Human experience weighs more than human… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions. — Augusten Burroughs Flaws Copy Share Image
The most valuable moments and experiences that life has to offer are found only along its most treacherous paths. — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
