I saw a monkey walking on a leash and thought it was an ugly foreign child. — Augusten Burroughs Children Copy Share Image
“I like it when she's shiny, like a star, like a guest on the Donnie and Marie Show .” — Augusten Burroughs Foil Copy Share Image
“He looked and sounded exactly like a real psychiatrist. Until he opened his mouth. "Let's ask God," he said.” — Augusten Burroughs Psychiatrist Copy Share Image
Part of me believes that love is more valuable when you have to work for it. — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
I felt deeply tricked. Stunned. And furious. I also felt my default emotion: numbness. — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“All a rainbow is is light that walks behind a raindrop and its colors fall out.” — Augusten Burroughs Rainbow Copy Share Image
“To be more confident you need to give a whole lot less of a shit about that other people think of you.” — Augusten Burroughs Confidence Copy Share Image
“I wanted to shove her typewriter on the floor. I hated it and I hated her. I wanted to be a Cosby.” — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“To nobody’s surprise, steroid use is common among gay men. When you combine a love for men with a love for drama,… — Augusten Burroughs Gay men Copy Share Image
As a child, I was never drawn toward depraved or extreme situations; I really wanted a normal little childhood. Unfortunately, that's just… — Augusten Burroughs Childhood Copy Share Image
Real optimism is not the pep talk you give yourself. It is earned through the labor involved in emotional housekeeping. — Augusten Burroughs Emotional Copy Share Image
And I hope she does not live in a dark world. Because even the most terrible loss doesn't have to make you… — Augusten Burroughs Dark Copy Share Image
“There just didn't seem to be anything to hold on to. We weren't going anywhere, and we weren't pulling away. We were… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
Because here is the truth: If you want to have a chance at meeting somebody with whom you are genuinely compatible, never… — Augusten Burroughs Chance Copy Share Image
“I nodded again, but I knew I would not grow up to drive a bulldozer. It would be awful to be dirty… — Augusten Burroughs Aspirations Copy Share Image
I don't think writers - in general - ever achieve the fame of movie stars. For the simple reason that only a… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“When I was ten years old, I realized I'd been kidnapped as a toddler. Of course, I would have to have been… — Augusten Burroughs Children Copy Share Image
“Meetings are the Hail Marys of alcoholics. You can do or almost do anything, feel anything, commit any number of non-sober atrocities,… — Augusten Burroughs Alcoholics Copy Share Image
“All improvements, transformations, achievements, liberations; everything you want to change about yourself and your life; everything you want to make happen, any… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“Resentment is anger looking for payback. It's also a high-interest-earning emotion. Each new resentment is added to the ones from before. Long… — Augusten Burroughs Anger Copy Share Image
“In the middle of the conversation, I open a third ale. I cup my hand over the mouthpiece so they don't hear… — Augusten Burroughs Communication Copy Share Image
The truth about not having everything you need, not being fully equipped or qualified or allowed is that these limits are the… — Augusten Burroughs Creative Copy Share Image
When you say, "I need more confidence," what you're really saying is, "I need those people over there to approve of me."… — Augusten Burroughs Confidence Copy Share Image
“Six hours later, when I returned, I was greeted at the door- and this before it was even opened -by the overpowering… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“I liked his attention. But I also felt like there was something sick and wrong about it. Like it might make me… — Augusten Burroughs Grandmother Copy Share Image
“When I turned thirty, I briefly flirted with the notion of undergoing sexual reassignment surgery. Once again, I was ready for a… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“By the late '60s society was no longer afraid of witches, because people no longer believed in them. They were already worshipping… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“The calcium in your bones came from a star. We are all made from recycled bits and pieces of the universe. This… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
“It turns out that (he) has a condition known as micropenis. This means his penis is less than three inches long, fully… — Augusten Burroughs Big dick Copy Share Image
I understood at once, I am not living, but actively dying. I am smoking, living unhealthily. I’m shutting down. I need to… — Augusten Burroughs Anxiety Copy Share Image
My instinct was always have your gun in your hand. Especially when you are telling somebody to do something. But, in fact,… — Augusten Burroughs Academy Copy Share Image
But feelings, no matter how strong or “ugly,” are not a part of who you are. They are the radio stations your… — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
