Good thing Quote by Adam Phillips
““If you want to be with somebody who gets you, you prefer collusion to desire, safety to excitement (sometimes good things to prefer but not always the things most wanted). The wish to be understood may be our most vengeful demand, may be the way we hang on, as adults, to the grudge against our mothers; the way we never let our mothers of the hook for their not meeting our every need. Wanting to be understood, as adults, can be, among many other things our most violent form of nostalgia.””
About This Quote
Source Book: The Beast in the Nursery by Adam Phillips, 1998
We often seek others to validate us, turning understanding into a demanding, sometimes hostile, longing that can trap us in past grievances.
In simple terms: Seeking validation can become a painful, nostalgic need.
Key Takeaway
Recognize and release the need for others to define you.
Themes
validation
nostalgia
relationships
psychology
Mood
reflective
melancholic
Type
philosophical
psychological
When to use this quote
- therapy sessions
- family gatherings
- personal reflection
- conflict resolution
Key Concepts
attachment
identity
emotional dependency
Questions to Reflect On
- How does your need for being understood shape your relationships?
- What past hurts fuel your desire for validation?
A Different Perspective
It may overlook personal responsibility for self‑understanding.
![“I wanted what she [her mother] had wanted, what we all want: everything. We want a mate who feels like family and a lover who is exotic, surprising. We want to be youthful adventurers and middle aged mothers. We want intimacy and autonomy, safely and stimulation, reassurance and novelty, coziness…” quote by Ariel Levy](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/f20/ariel-levy-7405_adventure_i-wanted-what-she-her-mother-had-wanted_1815090.jpg)
![“The child..will try to make himself..independent of other people. .. Excesses of appetite are self-cures for feelings of hopelessness. ..The child [uses] ‘doubt about food to hide doubt about love.’” quote by Adam Phillips](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/154/adam-phillips-18270_appetite_the-child-will-try-to-make-himself-indep_1066864.jpg)
