“(Side note: I heard that dentist call one of his assistants a bitch one time, so I have zero regrets about vomiting all over that bastard. If I could, I’d go back and vomit on him again, because my stomach… — Matt Bellassai Copy Share Image
“I’m hopping on one foot and grasping at the curtains, because that’s what dressing rooms are these days, curtains instead of walls so you… — Matt Bellassai Copy Share Image
“her eyes widened ever so slightly as she got closer, in that way that adults’ eyes tend to widen when they realize things are… — Matt Bellassai Copy Share Image
“There was an emergency brake, but I’m terrible at deciding what amounts to an emergency, most of all when I’m in the middle of… — Matt Bellassai Copy Share Image
“I wrote her a letter, because a letter felt like the easiest and also most dramatic way to do this kind of thing, and… — Matt Bellassai Copy Share Image
“Listen. Don't sexually harass Brenda and also, the guy who wants 15 percent off that kitchen mixer he found in the sale bin can… — Matt Bellassai Copy Share Image
“But we're talking about America here, where babies grow up to be even bigger babies, and all we really get along the way is… — Matt Bellassai Copy Share Image
“Eventually, of course, I grew up, and those fears went away. But the fun thing about fears is that they’re easily replaced with a… — Matt Bellassai Copy Share Image
“Seriously, if teenage girls decide to organize one day, there’s literally nothing we can do to stop them.” — Matt Bellassai Copy Share Image
“Is everything OK in there?” the sales associate is asking. “Do you need any help?” Which is not a question you want someone asking… — Matt Bellassai Copy Share Image
“Is everything all right in there?” (A question that someone only asks when everything is not all right in there.)” — Matt Bellassai Copy Share Image
“(I will never understand the thrill of fishing. At its very best, it’s an activity that ends with a vicious struggle to reel in… — Matt Bellassai Copy Share Image
“Babies are to be kept on silent at all times, and if one goes off in public, it shall be discarded.” — Matt Bellassai Copy Share Image
