Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, 'Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your friends'. — Jeffrey Bernard Copy Share Image
In most betting shops you will see three windows marked 'Bet Here', but only one window with the legend 'Pay Out'. — Jeffrey Bernard Copy Share Image
My misdeeds are accidental happenings and merely the result of having been in the wrong bar or bed at the wrong time, say most… — Jeffrey Bernard Copy Share Image
Oh, the self-importance of fading stars. Never mind, they will be black holes one day. — Jeffrey Bernard Copy Share Image
There's nothing undignified about lying about all day and being waited on by servants, sipping bloody champagne. — Jeffrey Bernard Copy Share Image
I was under the care of a couple of medical students who couldn't diagnose a decapitation. — Jeffrey Bernard Copy Share Image
Oh, to me not drinking is like being dead, almost. I sit here taking endless journeys down memory lane. It gets boring. — Jeffrey Bernard Copy Share Image
They smoke cigarettes professionally. The smoke is inhaled very sharply and the teeth are bared.Then the head turns to give you a profile and… — Jeffrey Bernard Copy Share Image
A lot of girls annoy me who go to university - one girl told me she was going to Oxford because it was something… — Jeffrey Bernard Copy Share Image
What a pity people don't take as much trouble with their own breeding as intelligent racehorse owners do. But then I suppose it is… — Jeffrey Bernard Copy Share Image
But you've got to have money for comfort, which obviously doesn't matter as much when you're young, but even so. I always like to… — Jeffrey Bernard Copy Share Image
