Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost? — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different… — Rita Rudner Copy Share
Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into… — Rita Rudner Copy Share
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with… — Rita Rudner Copy Share
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works;… — Rita Rudner Copy Share
We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career… — Rita Rudner Copy Share
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I… — Rita Rudner Copy Share
