Twitter Quotes by Nikhil Saluja · Page 31

I'd have more funnier tweets if I was surrounded with more idiots.

— Nikhil Saluja

When I said What did I do this time? I really meant What did you catch me doing?

— Nikhil Saluja

Ladies don't ask for much. They just want shoes, diamonds, less work, free money & a perfect man.

— Nikhil Saluja

A girl calling another girl a slut is like a retweet but in real life, because you just gave her a shitload…

— Nikhil Saluja

Wait, are you telling me 'professional tweeter' can't go in my CV? Well this was a waste of time.

— Nikhil Saluja

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

— Nikhil Saluja

Women are like coconuts. Sometimes you have to hit them really fucking hard before they will spread open.

— Nikhil Saluja

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. Rehab is for quitters.

— Nikhil Saluja

I usually try not to sound like an idiot but it's really hard because I am an idiot.

— Nikhil Saluja

One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

— Nikhil Saluja

Disclaimer : Twitter is purely entertainment...it's not to be taken seriously.

— Nikhil Saluja

Someone just stopped me to say that he recognized me from twitter and now I'm writing my suicide note.

— Nikhil Saluja

If she's retweeted you twice in one day, she's pictured what your kids would look like.

— Nikhil Saluja

If you like internet jokes, you should see my online bank account.

— Nikhil Saluja

You are the Powerful person only when., your Presence can decrease or increase someones Heartbeat.!!!

— Nikhil Saluja

If your daily twitter mission isn't to get 10 or more unfollows we can't be friends.

— Nikhil Saluja

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the Hell Happened to your bra and panties.

— Nikhil Saluja

Instagram: Because even ugly & fat girls wanna feel like models sometimes.

— Nikhil Saluja

Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.

— Nikhil Saluja

She wanted to sign up as an organ donor, but all she had was a guitar.

— Nikhil Saluja

Oh, you're an actor??? Why don't you act like a waiter and get me another beer.

— Nikhil Saluja

How about this, you remove Funny/Model from your bio and let me be the judge of that.

— Nikhil Saluja

You know you've drank too much when you actually ask your wife to drive you home.

— Nikhil Saluja

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are politicians or celebrities.

— Nikhil Saluja

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

— Nikhil Saluja

The best thing about this tweet is, by the time you found it's completely worthless, it's too late for you to stop…

— Nikhil Saluja

A detective on the drug detail developed seizures. He is a narcoleptic.

— Nikhil Saluja

LOVE, A strange feeling that comes over a man -- when he keeps wanting to call a girl by his last name;

— Nikhil Saluja

If I followed you back after 15 minutes of following me, I was just pretending to be busy & I failed.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's so weird to think that before Twitter, all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads.

— Nikhil Saluja

HUSBAND, SMART, A man who is never so busy bringing home the bacon that he forgets the applesauce;

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm entirely made of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

— Nikhil Saluja

Almost all serial killers are men. That's 'cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.

— Nikhil Saluja

Every night when everyone's asleep, I grab my phone and I start reading all our old conversations.

— Nikhil Saluja

You know the acronym behind your name won't keep me from kicking your ass in the parking lot.

— Nikhil Saluja

Why do dogs love their daily walks? They get to check their p-mail!

— Nikhil Saluja

They named it Twitter because Licking each other dirty asses was too long.

— Nikhil Saluja

I don't understand how girls could be so in love with a guy one week and the next not even talk to…

— Nikhil Saluja

Why don't blind people sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of their dogs!

— Nikhil Saluja

Everyone has a life story. Mine will probably end with something like then he found twitter.

— Nikhil Saluja