Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I have never had a point in my life to make. I'm just trying to entertain the reader. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I really try to think cinematically, because that's how people read. They create a theater in their minds. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I never start a section of the story without knowing how it will end. I also consciously try to shape the story… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The one thing I'm terrified of trying to write about is sex. I mean my God, my wife might read it or… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I actually kind of like Janet Reno. She seems like a nice enough lady. But when you're basically going through the entire… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
At the time, we were mad at Moammar Gadhafi, which resulted in us bombing all over Libya and killing a bunch of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: Drawing perfect horizontals, drawing perfect verticals,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Turbulence.” This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We're trying to make our current house look domestic so that somebody will want to buy it. We're making a lot of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The French are not rude. They just happen to hate you. But that is no reason to bypass this beautiful country, whose… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Here's a simple experiment that you might want to try if there is absolutely nothing else going on in your life. All… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I've always found relationships, men and women, the fact that they are so radically different, and it manifests itself in so many… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In Los Angeles, the jury in the Reginald Denny Beating trial, after much thinking, concludes, that Person A is not necessarily trying… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Just get on any major highway, and eventually it will dead-end in a Disney parking area large enough to have its own… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I am much more likely to care about someone trying to be funny and give them some credit for whatever he or… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We have always had dogs, and they have faithfully performed many valuable services for us, such as: 1. Peeing on everything. 2.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Internet "browser"... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Most of the presidential candidates' economic packages involve 'tax breaks,' which is when the government, amid great fanfare, generously decides not to… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
A critical function that we journalists perform at political conventions is to try to get into parties that we have not been… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, "being… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share
