This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They're saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he's not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, 'Well, I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.'… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying - because if you want her to speak, that will… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses finally got fed up… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman Copy Share
Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration. — David Letterman Copy Share
