I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million. He found it in an old sport-coat pocket. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Rick Perry has now accused Mitt Romney of hiring illegal aliens to work on his hair. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard - cut back on the Red Bull. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over the weekend Mitt Romney went body surfing. He has not body surfed since the '90s when he starred on 'Baywatch.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman Copy Share
Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration. — David Letterman Copy Share
