Today Quotes by David Letterman

They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added…

— David Letterman

It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

— David Letterman

The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another…

— David Letterman

At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

— David Letterman

Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White…

— David Letterman

Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.

— David Letterman

Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out…

— David Letterman

I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.

— David Letterman

God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a…

— David Letterman

Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for…

— David Letterman

Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the…

— David Letterman

There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records.…

— David Letterman

I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working…

— David Letterman

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were…

— David Letterman

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's…

— David Letterman

Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he…

— David Letterman

I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they…

— David Letterman

Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George…

— David Letterman

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

— David Letterman

Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said…

— David Letterman

According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White…

— David Letterman

Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.

— David Letterman

Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.

— David Letterman

Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was…

— David Letterman

Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!"

— David Letterman

Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.

— David Letterman

Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.

— David Letterman

Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

— David Letterman

Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.

— David Letterman

President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.

— David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

— David Letterman

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.

— David Letterman

Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.

— David Letterman

Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a…

— David Letterman

I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,'

— David Letterman

I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment…

— David Letterman

Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor…

— David Letterman

The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And…

— David Letterman

Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on…

— David Letterman

Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of…

— David Letterman