Today Quotes by Conan O'Brien

Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third…

— Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq

— Conan O'Brien

Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him.

— Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.

— Conan O'Brien

Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.

— Conan O'Brien

Today Facebook went public, just as Myspace's last user went private.

— Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush's nickname for Kerry is math.

— Conan O'Brien

According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can'…

— Conan O'Brien

Today was the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House…

— Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates…

— Conan O'Brien

Gary Busey said on the Today Show yesterday that Donald Trump would make a great President. Now Trump just needs endorsements from…

— Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, John McCain was in the news. John McCain gave his first press conference since the election. And he said, 'For…

— Conan O'Brien

It was reported today that former Governor Howard Dean raised $14 million dollars in campaign funds mostly over the Internet. Of course,…

— Conan O'Brien

Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison,…

— Conan O'Brien

Today, Snoop Dog endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul's positions on everything from legalizing pot ... to legalizing pot.

— Conan O'Brien

This is really hard to do but I'd like to change the tone now and briefly mention today's terrible tragedy in France.…

— Conan O'Brien

There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to…

— Conan O'Brien

Today's tragedy in Paris reminds us very viscerally that it's a right that some people are inexplicably forced to die for. So…

— Conan O'Brien

The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put…

— Conan O'Brien

Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right,…

— Conan O'Brien

John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise…

— Conan O'Brien

Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said…

— Conan O'Brien

A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.'…

— Conan O'Brien

In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he…

— Conan O'Brien

President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland.

— Conan O'Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger is in some trouble. Today, the Los Angeles Times broke a story that quoted six women who claimed that Arnold…

— Conan O'Brien

It was reported today that U.S. military bases will not show 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, during interrogations, U.S. troops will continue to show…

— Conan O'Brien

Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, 'Just keeping my options open. It's…

— Conan O'Brien

It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yes. This is expected…

— Conan O'Brien

This is official today. China has surpassed the U.S. and now has the No. 1 economy in the world. After hearing this,…

— Conan O'Brien

Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made…

— Conan O'Brien

Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have…

— Conan O'Brien

The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today,…

— Conan O'Brien

Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two…

— Conan O'Brien

Today President Obama is in the Middle East. He met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia's first…

— Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. Martha was found guilty on all charges. In a related…

— Conan O'Brien

Lenscrafters is upset with Tea Partier Michele Bachmann because she called Planned Parenthood 'the Lenscrafters of abortion.' Lenscrafters released a statement today…

— Conan O'Brien

I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you…

— Conan O'Brien

President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii's governor said, 'Great, who's…

— Conan O'Brien

President Obama gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in…

— Conan O'Brien