New york Quotes by David Letterman

Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.

— David Letterman

It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

— David Letterman

Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.

— David Letterman

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

— David Letterman

New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?

— David Letterman

I pulled a hamstring during the New York City Marathon. An hour into the race, I jumped off the couch...

— David Letterman

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

— David Letterman

New York is great though. If you?re here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the…

— David Letterman

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

— David Letterman

Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any…

— David Letterman

I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never…

— David Letterman

Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something.…

— David Letterman

Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't…

— David Letterman

Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.

— David Letterman

Newt Gingrich has criticized 'New York elites' who ride the subway. One of those subway elites threw up on my pants this…

— David Letterman

A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on…

— David Letterman

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of…

— David Letterman

Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the…

— David Letterman

If you didn’t believe it before — and it’s easy to understand how you might have been sceptical on this point —…

— David Letterman

Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs,…

— David Letterman

I went to the beach a couple of times in New York City. Tough summer out there, but I was pretty excited.…

— David Letterman

Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious…

— David Letterman

This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature…

— David Letterman

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running…

— David Letterman

There is a new billboard outside Time Square. It keeps an up-to minute count of gun-related crimes in New York. Some goofball…

— David Letterman

Today coming to work, I saw one of those only in New York scenes. It was a rat who had passed out…

— David Letterman

Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.

— David Letterman

Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is…

— David Letterman

Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys…

— David Letterman

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I…

— David Letterman

Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers…

— David Letterman

Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing…

— David Letterman

Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with…

— David Letterman

Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?

— David Letterman

There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been two people on…

— David Letterman

Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.

— David Letterman

A priest in New York City was arrested on gun possession. These days, you better be happy that the bulge in his…

— David Letterman

We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2…

— David Letterman

Right after the show tonight, I'm going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will…

— David Letterman

Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving…

— David Letterman