Thinking Quotes by David Letterman

I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by…

— David Letterman

Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.

— David Letterman

Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's…

— David Letterman

I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards'…

— David Letterman

The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.

— David Letterman

Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able…

— David Letterman

I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said…

— David Letterman

Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.

— David Letterman

You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association.…

— David Letterman

God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a…

— David Letterman

President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans…

— David Letterman

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he…

— David Letterman

Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all…

— David Letterman

You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad,…

— David Letterman

But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is…

— David Letterman

Because you think an explosion has taken place and you're looking at the shards and you say, 'Well, can we put this…

— David Letterman

We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We…

— David Letterman

Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah…

— David Letterman

The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his…

— David Letterman

The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on…

— David Letterman

Rick Perry is now saying he thinks that Barack Obama's birth certificate is fake. I think Perry may have faked his driver's…

— David Letterman

Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go.

— David Letterman

You're not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don't you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?

— David Letterman

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ...…

— David Letterman

I think O.J. protests too much. Not only did he say he didn't carve the holiday turkey, but he was in the…

— David Letterman

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

— David Letterman

Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there?…

— David Letterman

A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I…

— David Letterman

Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been…

— David Letterman

The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good…

— David Letterman

I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we…

— David Letterman

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were…

— David Letterman

Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking,…

— David Letterman

You know, we had the elections earlier in the week, and a dead woman, in Pennsylvania, somehow was on the ballot and…

— David Letterman

Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book…

— David Letterman

I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing…

— David Letterman

Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy.…

— David Letterman

To label Jason Randal a magician does a disservice. You'll think the laws of physics, nature, the universe itself have been suspended.…

— David Letterman

George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's…

— David Letterman

When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour…

— David Letterman