To label Jason Randal a magician does a disservice. You'll think the laws of physics, nature, the universe itself have been suspended.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman Copy Share
Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration. — David Letterman Copy Share
![“George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's better than his old campaign slogan: "A dumb guy with connections.” quote by David Letterman](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/cdf/david-letterman-378_campaigns_george-w-bush-has-a-new-campaign-slogan_902922.jpg)
