In my more pompous moments I like to think of myself as a writer rather than a humorist, but I suppose that's merely the vanity of advancing age. — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
I have no truck with lettuce, cabbage, and similar chlorophyll. Any dietitian will tell you that a running foot of apple strudel contains four times the vitamins of a bushel of beans. — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
The fact is that all of us have only one personality, and we wring it out like a dishtowel. You are what you are. — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
We old roosters must be cautious. Don't try to outwit your arteries. — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
There is something about a home aquarium which sets my teeth on edge the moment I see it. Why anyone would want to live… — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
FREEDLEY: Will I feel better after I take it? DR. FITCH (coldly): I, am a physician, Freedley, not an astrologer. If you want a… — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
A basic ingredient in the manufacture of perfume, the attar-a heavy, pale-yellow oil stored in small metal drums-had been put up as collateral by… — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
There are nineteen words in Yiddish that convey gradations of disparagement, from a mild, fluttery helplessness to a state of downright, irreconcilable brutishness. All… — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
Tomatoes and squash never fail to reach maturity. You can spray them with acid, beat them with sticks and burn them; they love it. — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
I tried to resist his overtures, but he plied me with symphonies, quartets, chamber music, and cantatas. — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
I'm half Scotch-Irish on both sides, and when I lose my temper-brother, I go. — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
English life, while very pleasant, is rather bland. I expected kindness and gentility and I found it, but there is such a thing as… — S. J. Perelman Copy Share Image
