I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion. — Felipe Esparza Copy Share Image
I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody. — Felipe Esparza Copy Share Image
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would… — Felipe Esparza Copy Share Image
I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car. — Felipe Esparza Copy Share Image
You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the… — Felipe Esparza Copy Share Image
I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama. — Felipe Esparza Copy Share Image
The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran. — Felipe Esparza Copy Share Image
I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my… — Felipe Esparza Copy Share Image
I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist. — Felipe Esparza Copy Share Image
Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut. — Felipe Esparza Copy Share Image
I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall. — Felipe Esparza Copy Share Image
While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras. — Felipe Esparza Copy Share Image
Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience… — Felipe Esparza Copy Share Image
