Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I report as a machine; I write as a person. That clear dichotomy softens the transition. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished? — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Roy Blount, who is the funniest person I know, journeys deep into the dark heart of humor and brings back a wonderfully… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
By the eighties, a lot of radio stations had started playing "Sixties" music. They called it "Classic Rock," because they knew we'd… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
normal person's weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person's weekly chore… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I say we scrap the current system and replace it with a system wherein you add your name to the bottom of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In Los Angeles, the jury in the Reginald Denny Beating trial, after much thinking, concludes, that Person A is not necessarily trying… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You can be the smartest person in the world - which Bill Clinton is, and if he's not, his wife is -… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I wrote about why I didn't think libertarians are really doing this kind of thing so that they can have sex with… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
My son, Rob…said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
One I'm deeply into is Doris Kearns Goodwin's "Team of Rivals." I was the only person in the US who hadn't read… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
One of the major hobbies in South Florida is keeping animals that no sane person would want to keep. One of those… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Every year I write a tax advice column and I used to always make fun of that. One year, one of my… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We are talking about mutated women, the result of cruel genetic experiments performed by fashion designers so lacking in any sense of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Advice to expectant mothers: you must remember that when you are pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must remember that… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share
