I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different… — Rita Rudner Copy Share
Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into… — Rita Rudner Copy Share
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with… — Rita Rudner Copy Share
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works;… — Rita Rudner Copy Share
We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career… — Rita Rudner Copy Share
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. — Rita Rudner Copy Share
I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I… — Rita Rudner Copy Share
