I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I was a middle-of-the-road Democrat more than anything else. I know I voted for Carter. Watergate taught me how bad the Republicans… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
When I write my annual tax column, some ex-IRS agent will complain, "There you go IRS bashing again." They're always saying that… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Reporters aren't stupid. We were standing around talking about which of the 900 health-care proposals that nobody's going to accept is that… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Roy Blount, who is the funniest person I know, journeys deep into the dark heart of humor and brings back a wonderfully… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I know that all over America there's probably politicians sending out pictures of themselves signing that mandatory helmet bill, but it's bullshit.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I guess the negative thing that happens to me is that I'm old now. They said there was a generation I was… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You can be the smartest person in the world - which Bill Clinton is, and if he's not, his wife is -… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The weightlifting competition I saw was the women's 63 kg class. I'm not sure whether this means the actual women weighed 63… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Several months ago, out of the blue, a company named "Cingular" started sending me bills. I had never heard of Cingular, and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You're not allowed to park a truck in your driveway. You're not allowed to work on your house on Sunday. The people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I did all this stuff that was illegal when I was a kid. I drank beer when I was 15. I smoked… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think I've learned over the years, because you'd have to be stupid not to, that when a book publisher gives you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
But the feeling I have, you know, is that I'll never come close to reading all, or even a thousandth- a billionth-… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I don't like anything unsigned in a newspaper that purports to be the opinion of some group if we don't know who… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think if you use Twitter and social media as your main source of information you are an idiot, but I think… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I actually like south Florida. I never lived in a more interesting place than this. I've never met a wider range of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Nobody in the United States knows what either a "meter" or a "kilogram" is. The whole reason why we fought the Cold… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success. You know, for example, that you should not… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
With a novel, you have to have a story. It's much more important to have it matter to the reader what happens… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
John Dorschner, one of our staff writers here at Tropic magazine at The Miami Herald, who is a good friend of mine… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I love the resource of the Internet. I use it all the time. Anything I'm writing - for example, if I'm writing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Most guys believe that they're supposed to know how to fix things. This is a responsibility that guys have historically taken upon… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Common criticism of the Internet is that it is dominated by the crude, the uninformed, the immature, the smug, the untalented, the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The thing I have learned, especially in the Internet age, probably the easiest thing in the world is to declare that something… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share
