I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The other major kind of computer is the "Apple," which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I never had the vaguest idea whether any of it had anything to do with me, especially being a sixth grader. When… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat "what if?" questions and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I actually kind of like Janet Reno. She seems like a nice enough lady. But when you're basically going through the entire… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: passive systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and active systems collect the sunlight… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The fact that Gene Weingarten and I and Bathroom Inventory are now part of some kind of Matrix of Poop strongly suggests… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The newspaper industry when I came along in the mid-70s was rich and powerful and growing and hungry for material and open… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.'… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I wrote about why I didn't think libertarians are really doing this kind of thing so that they can have sex with… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
But that's kind of an easy stance to be if you're a humor columnist, because you're tending to make fun of the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If he (The New York Taxi Driver) talked to me, he might lose his concentration, which would be very bad because the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I really need to know where I'm going with fiction to write it in a way that at least I'm happy with.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think if you use Twitter and social media as your main source of information you are an idiot, but I think… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
He's a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a "dynamite" tax tip. If you ask them a real tax… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think Twitter is kind of fun, it's not deep and it never will be, but it's a great way to communicate… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-sounding word that we tend to use when we would… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The thing I have learned, especially in the Internet age, probably the easiest thing in the world is to declare that something… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
We constantly see surveys that reveal this ignorance, especially among our high school students,78 percent of whom, in a recent nationwide multiple-choice… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The issue we are reluctant to talk about is even more sensitive than condoms. The issue - and I will try to… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share
