You can trust a Neil Simon script. Every dot. Every dash; that pause means something. He takes all the jokes out, practically. — Hector Elizondo Copy Share Image
I'm very proud of being Jewish. It means I have a good work ethic, and you get Jewish humour and you're allowed… — Daniel Radcliffe Copy Share Image
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Same thing, like my commercials are often times really funny because I tend to find 30 seconds is a really good amount… — Alex Winter Copy Share Image
To such men the desperate and horrible thought has come that perhaps the whole of human life is but a bad joke,… — Hermann Hesse Copy Share Image
Evolution has programmed our brains to find two things particularly interesting, and therefore memorable: jokes and sex - and especially, it seems,… — Joshua Foer Copy Share Image
Whether a man chooses to tell the truth in long sentences or short jokes is a problem analogous to whether he chooses… — Gilbert K. Chesterton Copy Share Image
I like the rough impersonality of New York ... Human relations are oiled by jokes, complaints, and confessions-all made with the assumption… — Bill Bradley Copy Share Image
I remember after I dated this white man, nobody said anything but there was a couple of men in my family that… — Sanaa Lathan Copy Share Image
All I do is have fun. When I'm not working, it's about making people laugh. I love making jokes about things. Even… — Drew Fuller Copy Share Image
A conversation between a boy and a pharmacist. The boy said, 'I need condoms.' The pharmacist replied, 'we sell them in packs… — Pacifiersucker Copy Share Image
Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I love dark humor. I love things that are so grounded in life, but just happen to be just a little bit… — Rockmond Dunbar Copy Share Image
Being a military child, we moved a lot and we developed different vernaculars from moving from the south, to the Midwest, and… — Joe Torry Copy Share Image
I became the storyteller of South Side Chicago. I used an old Kiwi liquid shoe polish as a microphone. I'd go around… — Bernie Mac Copy Share Image
I was at a photo shoot, and I was wearing a cross necklace that my mom bought me, and somebody made a… — Kate Upton Copy Share Image
Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it's an athletic endeavor. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The worst thing ever that you have to explain your joke because I was very disappointed trying to explain why the joke… — Bassem Youssef Copy Share Image
Here's a tip. If you touch a girl, even as joke, and she pushes you off, leave... her... alone. Don't touch her.… — Jay Asher Copy Share Image
I didn't just want to be Frank's daughter who sang Boots. I take my music very seriously and studied very hard. It's… — Nancy Sinatra Copy Share Image
I don't want them hip white people coming up to me and calling me no n - - or telling me n… — Richard Pryor Copy Share Image
I was pretty locked up emotionally as a kid - my family situation was tumultuous. But I was extroverted. So when I… — Lindsay Wagner Copy Share Image
I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Bill Clinton was doing Ku Klux Klan grand kleagel jokes at Byrd's funeral, saying, Oh, Robert C. Byrd, he used the -… — Sean Hannity Copy Share Image
A lot of my humor centers on the act of telling jokes and I think this can prevent certain audiences from suspending… — Michael Showalter Copy Share Image
I take a lot of pride in managing to be funny without having a victim at the end of my joke. I… — Ross Mathews Copy Share Image
Comedy Central is what these young people are viewing. The network speaks to their audience, which is saying, 'Give me fast jokes.… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
You start out wanting to change the world through language, and end up thinking it's enough to tell a few good jokes. — David Nicholls Copy Share Image
There are things that I won't joke about, but it's not because I don't think they're funny or they can't be made… — Brad Williams Copy Share Image
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I reserve the right to tell shaggy dog stories or even common jokes as part of what I'm doing. I don't give… — David Antin Copy Share Image
My parents are really funny. Laughter was a big part of my childhood. Of course, they tell a lot of bad jokes… — Cecily Strong Copy Share Image
Writing books is fun because after I do a show for a couple hours, I'm in a bus for 22 hours. It's… — Willie Nelson Copy Share Image
Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I want every idea I have to make me money. I want every post I write to have 10,000 Facebook likes. I… — James Altucher Copy Share Image
My husband jokes that I'll invite people over for dinner and he won't know who they are or where I met them.… — Carrie-Anne Moss Copy Share Image
A lot of the times I'm looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
I'm really sick of people treating me like I am a joke, next time someone play's games they're gonna get chocked. — Amanda Copy Share Image
Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means… — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
Sometimes a joke that doesn't work just needs a breath or a little word or the tiniest little change to be fixed. — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
